Mikaela Shafer values spending time with her friends, and if that means booking a flea market three months in advance, she thinks it’s a small price.
For a while, Shafer, 38, found herself in a hell of a coordinated schedule. One person will try to make plans on a specific day, and another cannot. Others will offer new dates, but that’s not good either. They would go back and forth again until the group inevitably gave up, with no plans. Of course, Shafer wants to meet her friends, but her hard timeline as a small business owner, nonprofit, artist and mother’s contributor makes it hard to find time.
For her professional obligations, Shafer uses a calendar of schedule tools that allows customers to book time directly on the calendar without the need for a “When are you free?” discussion. Why can’t she do the same thing with her friends? So she did a second calendar specifically for Hangouts, which was related to her respective work and personal calendars, so she wouldn’t double it. She even modified her dating page to include suggested hanging activities such as coffee or frugality.
When she needs face-to-face time with a specific friend or a group of friends, Shafer sends the link to them. Sometimes they ask for time on her calendar without asking. All they have to do is choose a date and time.
“My friends usually book things a few weeks in advance because they’re really busy, too,” Shafer said. “We were trying to plan a vacation and they booked vacation time based on my calendar app – January has been.”
Between the demands of work, family and solo activities, Americans are increasingly confused over time. Many people live and die in the calendar, and have little time to breathe in all meetings, commuting, exercise, entertainment venues, dates, scrolling, scrolling, self-care moments. Finding a few unclaimed time to socialize can be like a luxury that can take weeks or even months in advance to plan. Like Shafer, these super-arranged people coordinate time with future friends, whether out of necessity or preference. For friends on the other side, every quarter of the beauty knowledgeable people feel very small, but for people with super arrangements, this is not personal. It is time management.
“I don’t have time”
The most common reason people tend to date friends a few months in advance is probably the most obvious: Everyone is too busy. “This is probably the first thing a client has for me, as a barrier to spending time with friends,” said the friendship coach. Danielle Bayard Jackson,author Fight for our friendship: Science and the Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships“I don’t have time.”
While there doesn’t seem to be enough time for a day, Americans have as much free time as they did twenty years ago: According to the American Time Use Survey, most Americans spend around Engage in leisure activities for five hours a day In 2023 – The same quantity as in 2003.
What people choose to prioritize in their free time is another story. In 2023, Americans are greatly occupied by watching TV – The value of nearly three hours,only Just 2.5 hours 2003. So are Americans Spend more time to wake up alone: From 45 minutes a day twenty years ago, their precious free time only took 34 minutes. Time spent with friends Peak at the age of 18 The entire person’s 20s will slowly decrease – and remain low for the rest of their lives.
As people enter adulthood, their social life and obligations gradually change. Of course, most of the working hours are. Add a romantic partner – a study found Establishing a romantic relationship brings you two friends – And kids, you have a lot of attention.
Inevitably overschedule any time Small space for spontaneous Or a wandering plan. When most activities (especially fun) are carefully coordinated and arranged, they will Feel more like work than leisureresearch shows.
None of these will necessarily lose anyone. people They are not satisfied with how long they will see their friends And hopefully they can spend more time together. But if no action is taken, plan to get stuck in group chat.
Stephen Antonini and his friends are in the age of booking almost every weekend – holding weddings, bachelors and bachelor parties, returning home to travel, entertaining outdoor guests – making planning vacations almost futile. To make their annual trip happen, the 10-person group began to schedule several months in advance. Antonini, 25, a content creator, sent some date options to group chats, and everyone would “like” messages on their favorite weekends.
Antonini said that given everyone’s different jobs and vacation times, advanced coordination is necessary for their size. He wished they could hang out more often, but he still saw most of his friends in a single or group setting every week. “There are always one or two key people out of town in that friend group, or they already have a pre-plan. “It’s a good thing to have a plan to bring the whole team together and go to another place because then you know everyone will be there. It’s going to be a weekend where the whole group catches up and has a great time.”
Busy charm – time spent alone
While some people regard the packaged schedule as necessary evil, others consider them a sense of pride. Extreme busyness can be used as a symbol of status or excuse why friends can’t commit to plans. When work, home, and self-care are prioritized, there is little space for friendship. Bayard Jackson said: “It’s hard when you’re proud of being busy. “Some people may think it’s rash compared to career goals or busy states.” ”
Over the years, Scott Steinhardt would let go of everything for his friends and head to the neighborhood bar in a moment’s notice to comfort one person to break up. When he realized that his efforts were not rewarded, his priorities turned to his career and romantic relationships.
Now, the 38-year-old spends 80 hours a week on his communication work and only spends time with a friend every week, usually on Friday or Saturday. “It’s a different person,” Steinhardt said, meaning months passed before a particular friend was radiating to the top of the lineup again. Steinhardt said a friend recently talked about how he and Steinhardt got together when they planned a month in advance – don’t complain about arrangements.
Steinhart is charging a social battery or hanging out with his wife when he is not working. “I value time alone,” he said. “The moment when I’m honest with it is when I’m happier.”
Incorporating plenty of rest into too much social schedule can also prevent the most extroverts from burning themselves. Shannon, a 31-year-old intern in the couple therapy treatments in Philadelphia, has his last name detained so that she can freely talk about her friendships, and he has a fairly regular weekly rhythm with friends. She said that without it, her life would be too busy. Monday and Tuesday dedicated her internships; after class on Wednesday, she hosted a virtual anime night with her long-distance friends. She will catch the fun time with a particular friend on Thursday; Friday and Saturday are filled with brunch, drinks, dinners, concerts, hiking, movies. Finally got off Sunday.
Shannon said all of these plans must be coordinated in advance, usually two to three weeks. When a friend recently asked her if she was hanging on the same day on work night, she refused. “I need to give myself these boundaries; otherwise it’s out of control,” Shannon said. “It’s ADHD. I have to live on the calendar or my life becomes very messy.”
Most of Shannon’s friends know her preference for super events, but her partner finds it confusing. “He asked me,” Shannon said, “Why do we need such a far range to plan? Why can’t we do this randomly tonight?”
If you only see each other a few times a year, can you even call a friend? The expectation of mismatched frequency of friends should hang out can make relationships with super-arranged people particularly somewhat. You may start to question the distant plan that a friend doesn’t want to see you at all. But the opposite situation may be correct. “The other person might argue that the fact that I’m doing spiritual labor to figure out when we can get together is that I’m trying to achieve this and trying to prioritize your evidence,” Bayard Jackson said.
Rather than trying to stuff more social obligations into an already packed calendar, it may also effectively redefine what you think is a gathering place. Happy times and weekend trips aren’t the only occasions for adults to hang out. Run, sit on the sidelines of a minor league game, exercise: These less exciting moments are also important. And, every once in a while, an hour or so seems to be nowhere to be found, embracing spontaneity.
On a recent Friday afternoon, Mikaela Shafer, a multi-person mom who used a calendar to arrange for friends to hang, had several minutes of her day. So she decided to say hello to her friend’s work. “It’s a great reminder that I’m going to take some time to do something great or intentionally take time to see them,” she said.
However, the gesture is not completely unplanned. She arranged it three days in advance.
