Obsessing about being a good person can backfire. There’s a better way.

Your mileage may vary is a suggestion column that provides you with a unique framework to think through moral dilemmas. It is based Diversified value – Each of us has the idea that multiple values ​​are equally valid but often conflicting. To submit a question, please fill in this question Anonymous form. This is the readers’ questions this week, condensed and edited to clarify:

The Jewish holiday is coming, including Yom Kippur. This holiday encourages people to reflect on their behavior and make changes. It’s all good, but I’m a struggle-constantly worried about my morality if I try my best™.

In practice, this is much more paralyzed than motivating people. The moral implications of fixing all possible decisions make it harder to take any action, and I lose my memory of my past behavior, just like football players watching their game footage to analyze the differences they can do. The Ingui is not serving me at all, but I am worried about saying to Hell that means I will stop trying to be a better person and become morally complacent.

I’ve observed Yom Kippur for decades and don’t want to simply avoid the day. But this holiday is a trigger for moral scrutiny. What do you think I should do? I want to make my own way.

Have you ever heard of a story about what happened? When God decides to give the Bible Want body and blood? According to ancient rabbis, angels hated the idea. They argue that human beings are mortals who are not worthy of such a Bible. Only angels can be worth it, so it should stay in heaven.

Moses refuted the angel’s argument. He asked them: What Bible does your angel need? The Bible says not to murder, not commit adultery, not to steal – do you have jealousy or other emotions that may cause you to do these things? The Bible says to remember your parents – but you don’t have parents, so how can you do that? The Bible says the Sabbath of Sanctification – but you never do any work, so can you even commemorate the Sabbath with rest?

The angel was right to see Moses. Angels are really great in one thing: perfect. But the perfect creature is static. They have not encountered painful challenges, will not grow, and have not made choices that add beauty to the world. We humans do these things. God gave the Bible to humans, not to make them angels, but to make them better things that are unique to them: human animals, feelings, defects, and all who can learn to use their abilities in a more beautiful way.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this story. I hope you notice how far it is to ask humans to do the “most likely good™”. The language proposes a maximizing moral theory, such as utilitarianism, which says we must act to generate the greatest benefit for the maximum number. In other words, we have to optimize.

Angels may be able to do moral optimization, but it is impossible for humans. Each of us has multiple values, and sometimes these values ​​are tense with each other, forcing us to do our best to reach equilibrium. We are not all-knowing creatures, they can certainly know how to best achieve equilibrium.

More importantly, sometimes directly conflicts with each other’s moral goodness. Think of a woman who faces trade-offs: she wants to be a nun, but she also wants to be a mother. She can’t balance these choices-she has to choose. What better choice? We cannot say that because these options are immeasurable. There is no size that can measure them, so we can’t compare them to find the larger ones.

Given that this complexity is baked into the human condition, it is impossible to be a perfect optimization machine. And, the more you force yourself to be that, the harder it will be to help others because you will get burned. As you’ve already found, the optimized mindset is exhausting – you end up spending a lot of valuable psychological resources that may be spent on other aspects. It may even lead to paralysis. And many times, there is no best decision.

So instead of trying to optimize everything, you can adopt a more humble but more realistic goal, you can be as consistent as possible with your values.

I know that would feel scary. Optimization makes people feel less risky. It provides a sense of control and therefore a sense of security. The self-evident premise is that if you optimize, you don’t have to ask yourself: How can I mess up?

But there is another way to feel safe. It’s the fact about our imperfect and fragile creatures, and even if we do our best, there are things we won’t do.

Of course, we should still try to align with our values. But at that moment, when we fall, we should not succumb to ourselves and think, “I sin!” In Hebrew, we usually translate the word “sin” as “lachto” (Lachto) in fact “missed mark.” This is the one we used to describe a bow and arrow targeting Erji, but missed the bow and arrow slightly. This is a useful image because it reminds us of the normality of missing marks. Just as the arrows of archers are blown by the wind, all our physical and mental conditions are burned for us – naturally, we don’t always hit the Bulldog! We deserve compassion when we do miss the mark.

I know what you are thinking: What if adopting this mindset means you become morally complacent and let yourself get out of it too easily? This is one of the most common objections to practicing self-compassion. but Research shows that it is not well-founded. In fact, psychologists have found that more self-callers are better able to acknowledge them when they make mistakes. When they mess up, they are more likely to apologize to others and make changes. They try to do better next time. Why? Because for them, mistakes are not so outrageous psychologically. This makes them more responsible for their actions.

Yom Kippur will be frightened when any mistakes you have made in the past year seem outrageous. But according to ancient rabbis, Yom Kippur is not a day of one day – it is One of the happiest days of the yearAfter all, Moses descended on Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments on it, ready to give them to people.

You probably know what happened to the first set of tablets: Moses ruined Israelites after seeing them engaging in idolatry. What is little known is that according to a Judaism story, God’s reaction to the brokenness of these tablets is actually Congratulations to Moses. Why does God think breaking them is the right move? What is the difference between the second group?

While the first tablet was made by God and God alone, the second piece was a collaboration of humanity: Moses carved the stone and God carved the words. While the first piece contains only the words of the Ten Commandments (the morality based on rules), the rabbi tells us that all the stories and explanations contained in the second piece of tablet will develop later.

In other words, God recognizes that you can’t just give humanity a list of moral rules and call it a day. Perhaps this works for angels living in a simplified, invisible world, but our moral life is too messy and multifaceted to be captured by any set of universally binding moral principles. However, God chose people anyway, invites us to join in collaboration and embrace our humanity rather than refuse.

So, for the Rabbi, Atonement Day is a happy day because they fully expect God to accept and embrace the messy human.

Please, don’t try to be more enthusiastic than God.

When you take action, be sure to aim the arrow as much as possible – try to hit Bullseye, which is to capture as much of what you value. But once you release the arrow from the bow, let it be.

If it turns out you missed the mark, then you act suboptimal It doesn’t matter. You are not an angel. You are not the perfect optimization machine. You can’t access a magical mathematical formula that takes into account countless unlimited variables and spits out the best moves definitively. You are human and do your best.

The wisdom of these millennium-old stories is that it is good enough for God. Make it good enough too.

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